


But Do You Know What Isn't Better? Kira.

by astralpenguin



Series: 3am [8]
Category: Death Note & Related Fandoms, Death Note (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Asexual Character, Asexual Yagami Light, Demiromantic Yagami Light, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Greyromantic Yagami Light, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Late Night Conversations, Literal Sleeping Together, M/M, Post-Yotsuba Arc (Death Note), Sharing a Bed, Yotsuba Arc (Death Note), as in a good chunk of this is a discussion about light's willingness to stab himself with a needle, they're in LOVE your honour
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-23
Updated: 2020-12-23
Packaged: 2021-03-10 22:55:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,984
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28265034
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/astralpenguin/pseuds/astralpenguin
Summary: Matsuda was safe. Higuchi was blindfolded in a cell. The notebook was with L.And Light had been right to be worried about the first Kira returning, because for a brief moment, hehad.(not recommended as a standalone)
Relationships: L/Yagami Light
Series: 3am [8]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1640104
Comments: 10
Kudos: 112





	But Do You Know What Isn't Better? Kira.

**Author's Note:**

> honestly i wrote this (and its sister fic) a month ago, but then both life and supernatural happened to me lmao whoops
> 
> this is the first of two possible endings to this series, both being posted at the same time, so pick your favourite!!! i reserve the right to go back and add more oneshots later if inspiration strikes, but for now this series is complete :D

It was approaching 3am when things finally started to settle down.

The plan to take Higuchi into custody hadn’t gone off entirely without a hitch. He’d somehow gained the second Kira’s abilities at one point, and there had been a casualty. But he hadn’t developed this ability until after Matsuda’s face had already been shown, and everyone involved in the arrest had been able to quickly adapt to the new circumstances.

Matsuda was safe. Higuchi was blindfolded in a cell. The notebook was with L.

And Light had been right to be worried about the first Kira returning, because for a brief moment, he  _ had _ .

They didn’t know how it worked yet. Not exactly. A quick look at the inside cover of the notebook had told them a little bit about how it worked, about the power it had, but how the memory thing factored into it all was still unclear.

Light, as he was right now, wasn’t Kira. He didn’t remember being Kira.

But he did remember what happened in the helicopter earlier.

Or rather, he remembered some of it, and what he  _ didn’t  _ remember spoke for itself.

He remembered grabbing the mysterious notebook from L, eager to both have a closer look at the thing that Higuchi had used - and that he, himself, had once used - to kill people, and eager to see whatever it was that was making the rest of the taskforce cry out in fear.

He remembered screaming.

He remembered the notebook being snatched away from him.

He remembered the fear on L’s face as he forbade Light from touching the notebook again.

He remembered understanding what must have just happened, and agreeing without a second thought.

If touching the notebook was what brought the first Kira back then Light was perfectly fine with never touching the damn thing ever again.

Touching it once, even only for a few seconds, had been enough for him to be able to see the creature anyway.

He pulled the blanket closer around himself.

They were sat in the main taskforce HQ. L had been working through the night, updating interested parties on the case, negotiating with everyone who wanted to publicise Kira’s identity so that they wouldn’t, cross referencing the names written in the notebook with the names of the dead, and a whole host of other things that Light couldn’t begin to think of. For a while the taskforce (plus Aizawa, and it was good to have him back) had been helping out where they could, until L ordered them all to go home at around 1am.

Light hadn’t been given a job. Light had been given a blanket to wrap around himself and had been told to be quiet. Normally this would’ve pissed him off, but today he was grateful for it.

He’d just had one hell of a close shave.

And there’d been a good chance that if he’d been given a job, he’d have needed to speak. He didn’t think he would’ve managed to do that without his voice shaking. He’d have given himself away.

The chain between the two of them clinked against the desk as L typed.

L’s brow was furrowed in concentration, his eyes not straying away from the screen in front of him for even a moment. One of the phones sitting next to the keyboard started to ring, piercing the quiet that before had only avoided becoming silent due to the tapping of L’s fingers on keys, and L had it up by his ear in an instant.

Light looked away, towards the only other living thing in the room.

If he could even call it that.

He’d theorised before that there’d been more to Kira’s power than simply the ability to kill. He’d theorised before that there had to be something or someone else involved to explain why he was so terrified of breaking up with Misa. He’d theorised before that this was the ‘shinigami’ that the second Kira, that  _ Misa,  _ had referenced in the tapes.

He hadn’t been expecting this.

The creature, the shinigami, stood alone in the middle of the otherwise empty room.

It was staring at him.

Eventually, Light couldn’t take it anymore.

“Do you have a name?”

The creature didn’t react for so long that Light thought that it wasn’t going to. He was just about to turn back towards L when it spoke.

“Yes,” it said. “I do.”

“Uh, what is it?” asked Light. “What should I call you?”

“You may call me Rem.”

Light almost did a little wave, but realised how awkward that would feel, let alone look, and stopped himself.

“Hi Rem,” he said. “I’m-”

“I know who you are, Light Yagami.”

Rem sounded almost angry.

“Could you, uh,” he glanced over at L, then looked back at Rem. “Could you fill me in on that? I’m a little fuzzy on the details.”

“I’m well aware of that.”

“What Light is trying to say,” said L, spinning his chair around so that he, too, was facing Rem, “is that he currently does not possess any memories of being Kira. He has not done so for a long time, and he does not wish to regain them. However, it would be helpful for all of us if we could be brought up to speed on what exactly Kira was planning. What are your pronouns?”

Rem fixed its glare on L. “What?”

“I assume you would rather not keep getting called  _ it  _ all the time? You will need to tell us which pronouns to use instead.”

There was a pause as Rem considered this.

“I use she and her.”

L nodded. “And the rest?”

She returned her glare to Light, but said nothing.

After a minute of silence, Light spoke up. “What do you want? What could we give you that would make you willing to help us?”

Light was fairly sure that he already knew what Rem’s response would be, but he didn’t want to suggest it himself, just in case doing so made Rem decide that it wasn’t enough. Light was sure that L had realised that that was a possibility as well.

Sure enough...

“I told you that if any harm were to come to Misa Amane, then I would kill you. Kira or no Kira, my opinion on this has not changed.”

“I can promise you Misa Amane’s safety,” said L. He turned to his computer and tapped a few keys. “Kyosuke Higuchi has already named her as the second Kira, but there is no evidence of this that we had not already collected ourselves.” He turned back towards Rem. “If you cooperate fully with us, then Misa will be free to go.”

“You would release her?”

L shrugged. “She has not shown any remorse for what she’s done, or any indication that she disagrees with Kira’s actions, but without a notebook she will be unable to act as Kira, and she has no memory of being Kira in the first place. She is neither a threat nor a danger.”

A pause.

Then Rem nodded.

“Alright,” she said. “So long as Misa goes free. If she does not, I will kill you both.”

“Understood,” said L.

Light nodded.

“So,” said Light after a few more seconds of silence. “We know I was Kira. What was I planning?”

“There are two fake rules written in that notebook,” said Rem, pointing to the table it was resting on. “The rule stating that destroying the notebook will kill all who have touched it, and the rule stating that once someone has used it they must continue to do so within a certain timeframe or they shall die. You had your shinigami write those rules inside in order to clear your name and create confusion. You planned to regain your memories using this notebook, and then to send Misa to retrieve the other one. You did not share your plan beyond that with me, but I believe your intention was to put me in a position where I would be forced to kill  _ you.” _ With this final sentence, she looked directly at L.

“How would he have been able to force you to kill me?” asked L.

“If a shinigami kills in order to save a human life then that shinigami dies. You would have threatened Misa’s life, and I will not let her die.”

Light gulped.

“You said there’s another shinigami involved in all this?” asked Light. “And another notebook?”

Rem nodded.

“Where is it?”

“Buried in a forest,” said Rem. “I can only travel a maximum distance of fourteen kilometers away from the current owner of the notebook, but I believe the forest is just within range. I can show you.”

L nodded. “If we destroy this notebook now, what will happen?”

“Higuchi will forget about being Kira, and I will return to the shinigami realm.”

Light tried to smile. “So no burning the notebook until the other notebook’s dealt with.”

L caught his eye. “Yes,” he said. “This one will have to stay as it is for now.”

Something else occurred to Light.

“I remembered being Kira when I touched the notebook, right? And forgot again when I let go?”

Rem nodded. “You did.”

“How come I forgot? If part of my plan was that I’d remember, surely I would’ve made sure that that would work?”

“The ownership of the notebook would have needed to transfer to you in order for you to retain your memories,” said Rem. “This would have been achieved by killing its current owner.”

Light shook his head. “But I didn’t have a pen or anything to write with, and I would’ve got caught if I’d written anything in the notebook. That’s a serious oversight and I don’t buy that I’d be so careless.”

“You never know,” said L. “You  _ did  _ kill Lind L Tailor.”

Light decided to ignore that comment.

“Writing in the notebook would have been careless,” Rem agreed. “I believe you had hidden a piece of the notebook and the implements with which to write on it on your person.”

“But I hadn’t,” said Light. “I  _ know  _ I hadn’t. I didn’t have a pen, I certainly didn’t have a bit of notebook or any paper, and there’s nowhere that I could’ve hidden it either. Plus, Ryuuzaki’s been with me literally all the time. There’s no way I could’ve hidden anything from him even if I’d tried to.”

If Light didn’t know better, he’d swear that Rem was sighing at him.

“Think again,” she said. “You would not have hidden a whole page. You would not have needed that much.”

And then it hit him.

He held his arm out in front of him and stared at his wrist.

At his watch.

“Light?”

Light took off his watch and handed it over to L. “There’s a small compartment in there, it opens if you pull the tab on the side four times fast.”

L narrowed his eyes. “And you never mentioned this because?”

“I never mentioned it because I didn’t think of it! I’ve never had any reason to use it, it’s not big enough to keep anything inside. I think you’re supposed to put a photo in there but I never got around to doing it.”

L nodded, seemingly accepting this explanation.

He pulled the tab on the watch four times.

The watch popped open.

Light watched in horror as L pulled out a small scrap of paper and a metal needle.

“I had part of Kira’s weapon with me the whole time,” said Light in disbelief. He leaned over and put his head in his hands.

“And it appears that you had been planning on writing Higuchi’s name in your own blood,” said L. “Although you apparently did not consider how difficult that is, how much blood you would’ve needed to make it legible, and how much it would hurt.”

“I don’t think I would’ve cared about that.”

“That,” said L, “is concerning.”

“Believe me,” said Light, “I’m aware.”

“Here.”

Light looked up to see that L was handing his watch back to him.

He took it and put it back on.

“I will dispose of these,” said L, holding up the paper and needle.

Light nodded. “Thanks.”

“When will Misa be released?” asked Rem.

“Will you still be able to keep track of what goes on here from the shinigami realm?” asked L.

“Yes,” said Rem. “I believe that most shinigami are watching these events unfold.”

“Good,” said L. “Misa will be released once both notebooks have been destroyed. Is this acceptable?”

“It is.”

“Good.” L stood. “Light and I are going to bed now. Good night Rem.”

Light stood as well, placing the blanket that had been wrapped around him onto the chair.

“Good night L,” said Rem. “Good night Light.”

Light smiled politely. “Good night.”

He didn’t look back as L led him out of the room.

He expected L to head towards the elevator, but instead L veered off to the left and down a corridor that Light hadn’t been down before.

“Ryuuzaki?”

They reached a door and L pushed it open.

Inside the door was a computer with lots of screens. It wasn’t unlike the one in the main HQ room, but this one had about half as many screens as that one did. As the door opened more fully and Light got a better look inside, the chair at the desk turned around to reveal Watari.

“What are we doing here?” asked Light.

Watari smiled, stood, and retrieved a small key from his pocket.

“I recall promising both Matsuda and your father that when they return in the morning you would no longer be handcuffed,” said L. “I am sure that I can trust you not to use your newfound freedom to try and touch the notebook again.”

Light nodded quickly. “You can. I don’t want to go anywhere near that thing.”

Watari unlocked Light’s cuff first, before moving on to L’s.

It felt weird.

He’d grown used to the feeling of the handcuff around his wrist. At first it had been uncomfortable, but as time had passed and he’d grown closer to L it had become more of a comforting weight than any sort of hindrance. He didn’t think that he’d miss it in the long run, but the next couple of weeks were definitely going to be strange.

They thanked Watari and left the room.

“Will you still be wanting to sleep in the same room tonight?”

“What?” said Light. “Yes, of course.”

A small smile played across L’s lips.

They didn’t say anything as they made their way up to their bedroom.

L climbed onto the bed and gestured for Light to use the bathroom first.

For the first time in months, Light closed the bathroom door behind him.

Okay. This was cool. If there was one thing about the handcuffs he could say for certain that he didn’t miss, and would never miss, it was that with them on he hadn’t been able to use the toilet or shower in complete privacy.

He’d shower in the morning, and he’d make it a long one, but for now he just wanted to get to bed.

He went through his night time routine and reentered the bedroom.

L had retrieved a laptop from somewhere and was typing something.

Light sat on the bed.

“Are you planning on sleeping?” he asked.

L looked up at him. “Undecided,” he said. “It depends on whether people stop emailing me or not.”

Light laughed softly. “If you make some people wait a few hours for a response, I’m sure they’ll survive.”

Slowly, leaving plenty of time for L to save what he was doing and/or to stop him if necessary, Light pushed the laptop closed. He then took it and placed it under the bed.

L turned to face Light. “There was something that I wanted to talk to you about.”

Light drew his legs up and crossed them so he was sitting upright, also facing L. “Sure,” he said. “What is it?”

“The needle.”

Light winced. “I don’t remember making that decision.”

“But the fact remains that, at some point, you made a plan that relied upon you injuring yourself with it.”

“Yeah,” said Light. “I guess I did.”

L kept quiet. He didn’t take his gaze off Light, though Light didn’t feel like L was staring at him.

L wanted Light to talk about it, and was waiting for him to do so at his own pace.

Light didn’t think that  _ he  _ wanted to talk about it, but even a fool could see that L wanting him to talk about it was out of concern. L was worried about him. L cared about his wellbeing. And for this relationship to work, honesty was key.

Besides, much as Light wanted to change the topic of conversation, he also knew that, logically, getting it out there instead of keeping it bottled up inside was actually the better option.

“I’ve never done that before,” he said. “Hurt myself, I mean. On purpose. I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t thought about it. There were times where I was under a lot of pressure, and I did think about it. Sometimes seriously. But I was always too scared to go through with it, and there’s no danger of me doing it now either.”

“Kira was sure that he  would be able to go through with it.”

Light let out a bitter laugh. “Maybe he just knew on a subconscious level that he actually deserved it.”

“Light!”

“I know.” Light held up a hand to stop L’s protest. “I know, that’s not a healthy way of thinking about it. It’s just that knowing it’s not helpful isn’t the same as believing it’s not true, you know? I always knew that calling myself broken wasn’t helpful, but that didn’t stop me from thinking that there was something seriously wrong with me, and that was just because I’m asexual. Being a serial killer actually  _ is  _ a bad thing, and serial killers actually  _ do  _ deserve to be punished, so it’s a little hard not to think that  _ I  _ deserve to be punished for it.”

“That is the same logic that Kira used.”

Even to his own ears, Light sounded tired. “And where do you think Kira came from?”

L reached out and took Light’s hands. “Light,” he said, “the person that you became through using that notebook is not the person that you are now. Kira deserved to be arrested and made accountable for his actions. We have a Kira in custody, and the other two Kiras have ceased to exist which, in my opinion, is its own punishment.  _ You  _ do not deserve to be punished, you deserve to be praised. It is unlikely that we would have been able to arrest the third Kira without your input.”

“If it hadn’t been for me, there wouldn’t have been a third Kira in the first place.”

“Then let me be selfish and point out that if there had never been any Kira then it is unlikely that we would have met.”

Light thought about this for a moment.

“We wouldn’t have met  _ now,”  _ he said. “But I was on track to join the NPA, so I think we probably would’ve ended up working together on something eventually.”

“But we still would not have met,” said L. “This is the first ever case during which I did not keep my identity hidden. It would not have mattered how much I liked you, I would not have sought you out. Plus, would you have realised that you are asexual without my input?”

Light shook his head. “Maybe,” he said, “but probably not. I’d have survived with that though, and all Kira’s victims would still be alive.”

“And you would be miserable.”

“Miserable is a bit strong.”

“You just told me that the confusion from not understanding your own asexuality, and the pressure you felt to be perfect, made you consider self harm,” said L. “I think that miserable is an apt description.”

Light didn’t have a good retort.

“It wasn’t worth all those people dying,” he eventually settled on.

“I know,” said L. “But those people can never be brought back. Torturing yourself over their deaths is an exercise in futility.”

Light nodded. “Logically, I know that. I  _ know  _ you’re right, it’s just-” he cut himself off, unsure how that sentence was even going to end in the first place. There wasn’t anything he could think of saying that would reassure L that he was okay.

The reason for this was probably that he was not, in fact, okay.

“Can you promise me that you will not hurt yourself?” asked L.

“Yes,” said Light. “I can’t promise that I’m never gonna think about it, because I’m pretty sure that thinking about it is ingrained in me by now, but I  _ can  _ promise that I’ll never do it.”

L nodded. “You can tell me when you’re thinking about it,” he said. “We can find something to do to distract you.”

“Okay,” said Light.

They looked into each other’s eyes for a few seconds.

“I didn’t say thank you yet, did I?” asked Light.

“What for?”

“For earlier,” he said, “in the helicopter. Kira came back when I held the notebook, and you noticed the difference and took the notebook away before I-” he stopped. Swallowed. “Before he could kill Higuchi. If you’d been paying less attention to me, or if you’d reacted any slower, then I’d be Kira right now. Or I’d be gone and Kira would be in control instead. You saved me.” He smiled. “So thank you.”

L squeezed Light’s hands. “In all honesty, I did not know that taking the notebook away from you would restore you to how you are now.” His voice dropped to a whisper. “For a moment I was sure that I had lost you.”

“Well,” said Light, “you didn’t. You didn’t lose me. I’m right here.”

A small smile appeared on L’s face. “Yes you are,” he said. “And I do not intend on losing you again.”

“That’s good to know,” said Light. “I don’t plan on losing you either.”

“Good.”

“And hey,” said Light. “We did it.”

L’s smile widened. “We did.”

“The third Kira’s been arrested and has already confessed, the first Kira’s gone for good unless I do something that I actively don’t want to do anyway, and Rem’s agreed to help us make sure the second Kira stays gone as well. It’s over.”

“Case closed.”

“Case closed,” Light repeated back.

He uncrossed his legs, shuffled forwards, and pressed a gentle kiss against L’s lips. L kissed him back just as gently.

“And I don’t know about you,” he said once they parted, “but I’m ready to sleep. Are you joining me?”

“Yes.”

With that, there was no more talking.

The things they’d talked about here would come up again at some point. Light was sure of that. There was no way that L was just going to accept his admittedly poor mental health as it was, and that Kira had ever existed was going to haunt Light forever. There would be nights and conversations like this one for the rest of their lives.

But they  _ had  _ the rest of their lives.

And Light wanted to spend his with L.

They crawled under the bedcovers and went to sleep. The way they held each other was the same as it had been whenever they slept together for weeks, but for the first time there was no metal chain in the bed with them.

They were both there entirely because they wanted to be, and for no other reason.

As the last dregs of consciousness slipped away from him, Light smiled.

He never would’ve predicted that his life would end up like this.

He wouldn’t trade it for anything.

**Author's Note:**

> comments mean the world to me <3
> 
> come say [hi!!](https://astralpenguin.tumblr.com/)


End file.
